What It's Really Like Being An Assistant in Hollywood

The 80th something Academy Awards was on Sunday and celebrities, filmmakers, editors, writers, and top billionaire executives invited to the show were loving themselves SO HARD! As for the regular people in the world, we gathered our friends at home, we made oscar themed snacks and mocked and marveled at the celebrity fashions and self-obsessed speeches, or we didn’t watch at all (because believe it or not, a lot of people don’t give a shit). That leaves us with the other people. I’m talking about Hollywood’s hard-working assistants. Those people got the shaft. They got the wrong end of the stick. Those people got screwed and they got screwed hard. Let me explain.

Starting in January the entire city of Los Angeles starts freaking the fuck out. “It’s award season,” they’ll say. “I’m going on a juice cleanse,” they’ll say. They say a lot of annoying shit and it lasts until the day the Oscars end. That day is when assistants all over the city exhale and count their blessings. They didn’t get fired, they didn’t fuck up any dinner reservations and they managed to get by only eating once a day and peeing with their cell phones in hand. Although I’m sure people assume living the life of a Hollywood assistant is difficult, it’s less about difficulty, and more about having to deal with things that do not matter and will never matter to anyone other than an entitled person working in the entertainment industry. Try to imagine working with a 12-year-old terror that you can never EVER say no too and if you do, you better pray your life doesn’t end right there.

Here’s how I really feel about “award season” and the entertainment industry in general. Celebrities, top executives, agents, studio heads and entitled little shit head children of these people should not get whatever they want, whenever they want. If you cancel and change your reservation 15 times, you shouldn’t be allowed to ever make a reservation for as long as you live. If you scream at your assistant, you should apologize and probably go to therapy for yelling at someone that did nothing to you. If you notice the people who work for you are terrified by your presence, change who you are. We are all human beings that deserve to be moderately respected and Hollywood should stop treating these people like they are anything more than the human species. I have met many actors and celebrities in my 29 years on this earth (thanks to my mom who is a celebrity hairstylist, god bless her) and I would say the majority of these people are less impressive than my toothless God Mother that drinks water from a stream in the middle of nowhere in Texas. I mean, these people are attractive, somewhat talented, hard working and fun but I can say that about the majority of people from my first improv class.

You may be asking yourself, “what does this bitch know about the entertainment industry? She’s just a lame writer probably sitting in a Starbucks alone eating a cake pop.” You’re right about most of that (cake pops are amazing), but believe it or not, I know a shit load about the soul-sucking entertainment industry. You see, I was a celebrity’s assistant for over 2 years. Two whole years of scheduling, car service requests, award show planning, dress fittings, wrapping birthday presents for children, texting 12 hours a day, pretending to look busy out of fear, getting yelled at over coffee temperature, etc. I did it, I went to therapy for it and I got out. I’m not saying every industry job is bad because there are great ones out there, but the majority of assistant jobs in Hollywood suck…really really suck.

So here’s what I think should happen. I think Hollywood should give their assistants a break. I think celebrities and top industry people should remember they are not god’s gift to earth. They are regular people that poop like the rest of us (even if they do use really expensive, soft toilet paper). They are not Obama (although they probably met him and posted a picture of it on Instagram). They are not brain surgeons. They are in the entertainment industry. Their job is to make entertainment happen. So entertain us, shut up and get your own coffee.